I don't know
Who I am
Who I am
Without you.

All I know
Is I know I should...

Just A Thought

The stars are shining The moon is bright And I would kill To be with you tonight...

Jobs

You know, one of the hardest things to come to terms with is the fact that the world just keeps rolling on, after a tragedy. And it was a tragedy, on so many levels. Children lost their mother. Siblings lost their sister. I lost my greatest friend. The world lost a person with that rarest of qualities, grace. But on it goes.

That really bothered me in the early days. I wanted fire. I wanted wailing. I wanted apocalypse.

I wanted the world to recognize its loss - my loss.

But there is too much loss, and that's not the world's job. I took the picture above today, on a break. That's the world doing its job.

Look up. You'll see what I mean.

Three Years

Three years have passed. The anxiety dreams are gone. I don't ache all the time. But your laughter still rings in my ears. Your smile is still right behind my eyes.

I am learning to be alone, and I don't like it. I miss how well we knew each other. How we could sit in a room together and be content. How you knew what I was thinking, and how I would react to almost anything. I miss making you blush, just by looking at you, and hearing you hum off key.

I am becoming more convinced that another relationship is not in the cards for me. The saying is, "Don't look for the right woman. Be the right man". You taught me how to be the right man, but maybe the wrong men have done too much damage.

And so, there's work, and there's play, and there's minutes and hours. Days and weeks and months and years. My hair gets thinner, and my beard gets whiter. My eyes are a little more cloudy, and my back is not as strong. But I'm still me. I'm the me that is left over. I'm the me that didn't die with you. But I'm not yet the me that I will be. So there's that.

I will walk with your memory always, my dear. I love you.

I Just Don't Think

I met Judith 23 years ago today...

I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You by Colin Hay

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

948 days

Or 2 years, 7 months, 3 days.

135 weeks
22,752 hours
1,365,120 minutes
81,907,200 seconds

Time is not the problem. It doesn't heal anything. It rolls on, without concern. Time doesn't care.

Winter

Winter.

My winter is June 16th - August 4th.

It's been two years since Judith passed. Died. Since I, in a very real sense, died. I'm a bombed out city. A wasteland. Pick your cliche. Armageddon.

I continue. That's a sort of hope. Everything has fallen away. I am newly made. Raw.

I'm becoming restless. Agitated like new growth cracking the sidewalk. Maybe there's something here. Maybe there's

Spring.

Valentines Day

"You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived. 

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on." 

- David Harkins

A Year and a Half

So, Laura is finished with her first semester at UNT. Ian and I are working on our house/apartment. I have a temp job with Raytheon that has lasted two months longer than it was supposed to.

That's what I tell people when they ask how things are going.

The loneliness is crushing. Caring about anything else takes effort. I can't find myself in the rubble of my life with Judith.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:N Plano Rd,Richardson,United States

The Hounds of Winter

Mercury falling
I rise from my bed
Collect my thoughts together
I have to hold my head
It seems that she's gone
And somehow I am pinned by
The Hounds of Winter
Howling in the wind

I walk through the day
My coat around my ears
I look for my companion
I have to dry my tears
It seems that she's gone
Leaving me too soon
I'm as dark as December
I'm as cold as the Man in the Moon

I still see her face
As beautiful as day
It's easy to remember
Remember my love that way
All I hear is that lonesome sound
The Hounds of Winter
They follow me down

I can't make up the fire
The way that she could
I spend all my days
In the search for dry wood
Board all the windows and close the front door
I can't believe she won't be here anymore

I still see her face
As beautiful as day
It's easy to remember
Remember my love that way
All I hear is that lonesome sound
The Hounds of Winter
They follow me down

A season for joy
A season for sorrow
Where she's gone
I will surely, surely follow
She brightened my day
She warmed the coldest night
The Hounds of Winter
They got me in their sights

I still see her face
As beautiful as day
It's easy to remember
Remember my love that way
All I hear is that lonesome, lonesome sound
The Hounds of Winter
They harry me down

One Year

I wish I had something more profound to say. This month will be a year since Judith passed. Laura is graduating high school and I feel Judith's absense more acutely than ever. How am I to guide this young lady? I have none of her mother's insights. There's so much she will have to learn on her own.

We have lost so much in the recent past. My grandfather, aunt, wife and grandmother, in that order. As I move into the role of "elder" in my family, I know that the largest changes are still to come.

I remember riding in my little red wagon. It was so hard to push up the hill, that I thought all the hard work had been done by the time I crested it. Turns out, that was nothing compared to the wild ride down the other side.

April 10, 2011

This would have been our 20th anniversary. We were together for 20 years and 10 days, but married 19 years and a couple of months when Judith passed away. We have two extraordinary children, Laura (18) and Ian (15), and they are the joys of my life. I see her in them everyday.

I guess I have nothing new to say. The days pass, and 10 months sometimes seems like years, sometimes like minutes. I am tired and it seems so hard to move.

As a year approaches, I think of how to continue my life. Laura will be off to college and in just a few years so will Ian. What is left of me?

Kingdom of Sorrow

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare


There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. In military life she would tire out an army of men, either in camp or on the march.
- Mark Twain

How does one do this? I have read and I have listened and I am as lost as ever. I didn't know it was possible to be this sad.

I have known depression. I spent years with the threat of loosing Judith hanging over my head. I have known sorrow for my children having to see their mother in such pain. And I know that she is without pain now.

But, somehow, the very core of my being has become sadness. I go along fine, but then a movie, or a song, or the sight of anything that reminds me of her just unravels me. A very specific loneliness has murdered my hope for peace.

I grieve for Judith. I grieve for the person that I was with her. I grieve for that family that will never be the same. I grieve for the faith that I once had. I grieve for a love that is broken. I grieve for hope. I grieve for peace. I grieve for myself.

My logical self says that this must be endured. That "someday" it will be alright. But my logical self is easily lost in the swirling migraine that is my grief. I endure, but I am dissolving...

Judith

Here's a tribute video that I put together for the 7 month anniversary of Judith's passing.

Some Pholoshop Work

Six Months

What to say on this six month anniversary of Judith's passing. Laura and Ian are doing well. I am not. For me, the passage of time seems to make things harder. I am reliving quite a bit of the "hard parts" of the passed few years. The people in my life are certainly not getting the attention from me that they deserve. I feel like a burned out bulb. I don't know what I have left to give.

I have done what I can to create a loving environment for the kids. I want so much for them, but it is so very dark. I think I know this will pass, but right now there is nothing. She deserved more from me...

Judith Anne Minatrea

 Judith Anne Minatrea died Wednesday, June 16, 2010 after a long and courageous fight against kidney disease and other health issues.

Born in Pampa, TX on August 4, 1972 and married on April 10, 1991, she was a light in the darkness. Her strength and courage inspired all those around her. Her disease did not define her life. She was, first and foremost, a devoted mother to Laura and Ian. They are her masterpieces.

She is survived by Miles Kameron Minatrea (husband), Laura Anastasia Minatrea (daughter), Ian Alexander Gray Minatrea (son), Patricia (Pat) Lawrence (sister), Wm David Lawrence (brother), Kenneth and Sandra Minatrea (parents in law), Keenan Minatrea (brother in law), and the many others that loved her.

Judith wanted to continue to help people even after her passing and we have honored her wishes by donating her body to the UT Southwestern Willed Body program. There will be no formal service. Her family and friends will continue to celebrate her life throughout the coming years.

In lieu of flowers, we ask that a donation be made in her name to the National Kidney Foundation.

Willed Body Program

We appreciate everyones thoughts and prayers. Judith did not want a service. She did want to do as much good as possible for folks in her situation. She was unable to be an organ donor, so she elected to be a whole body donor. The UT Southwestern Willed Body program has her body in their care now. The attached link can answer some of your questions. Feel free to message me with any further questions.

http://www8.utsouthwestern.edu/utsw/home/pcpp/willedbody/index.html

National Kidney Foundation

We are asking that, in lieu of flowers, a small donation be made to the National Kidney Foundation, in Judith's name.

Here is the link - https://www.kidney.org/support/makegift/index.cfm Thank you all.

Judith Anne Minatrea - 8/4/72 to 6/16/10

Judith Anne Minatrea, mother of my children and my wife for almost twenty years, passed away last night at 11:30. I cannot express how much she will be missed. She was my love and my light. She was the most brave person I will ever have the privilege to meet. Please join my children and I in celebrating the joy that she brought to our lives. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes through the years. God Bless.