A Year and a Half

So, Laura is finished with her first semester at UNT. Ian and I are working on our house/apartment. I have a temp job with Raytheon that has lasted two months longer than it was supposed to.

That's what I tell people when they ask how things are going.

The loneliness is crushing. Caring about anything else takes effort. I can't find myself in the rubble of my life with Judith.


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Location:N Plano Rd,Richardson,United States

The Hounds of Winter

Mercury falling
I rise from my bed
Collect my thoughts together
I have to hold my head
It seems that she's gone
And somehow I am pinned by
The Hounds of Winter
Howling in the wind

I walk through the day
My coat around my ears
I look for my companion
I have to dry my tears
It seems that she's gone
Leaving me too soon
I'm as dark as December
I'm as cold as the Man in the Moon

I still see her face
As beautiful as day
It's easy to remember
Remember my love that way
All I hear is that lonesome sound
The Hounds of Winter
They follow me down

I can't make up the fire
The way that she could
I spend all my days
In the search for dry wood
Board all the windows and close the front door
I can't believe she won't be here anymore

I still see her face
As beautiful as day
It's easy to remember
Remember my love that way
All I hear is that lonesome sound
The Hounds of Winter
They follow me down

A season for joy
A season for sorrow
Where she's gone
I will surely, surely follow
She brightened my day
She warmed the coldest night
The Hounds of Winter
They got me in their sights

I still see her face
As beautiful as day
It's easy to remember
Remember my love that way
All I hear is that lonesome, lonesome sound
The Hounds of Winter
They harry me down

One Year

I wish I had something more profound to say. This month will be a year since Judith passed. Laura is graduating high school and I feel Judith's absense more acutely than ever. How am I to guide this young lady? I have none of her mother's insights. There's so much she will have to learn on her own.

We have lost so much in the recent past. My grandfather, aunt, wife and grandmother, in that order. As I move into the role of "elder" in my family, I know that the largest changes are still to come.

I remember riding in my little red wagon. It was so hard to push up the hill, that I thought all the hard work had been done by the time I crested it. Turns out, that was nothing compared to the wild ride down the other side.

April 10, 2011

This would have been our 20th anniversary. We were together for 20 years and 10 days, but married 19 years and a couple of months when Judith passed away. We have two extraordinary children, Laura (18) and Ian (15), and they are the joys of my life. I see her in them everyday.

I guess I have nothing new to say. The days pass, and 10 months sometimes seems like years, sometimes like minutes. I am tired and it seems so hard to move.

As a year approaches, I think of how to continue my life. Laura will be off to college and in just a few years so will Ian. What is left of me?

Kingdom of Sorrow

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare


There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. In military life she would tire out an army of men, either in camp or on the march.
- Mark Twain

How does one do this? I have read and I have listened and I am as lost as ever. I didn't know it was possible to be this sad.

I have known depression. I spent years with the threat of loosing Judith hanging over my head. I have known sorrow for my children having to see their mother in such pain. And I know that she is without pain now.

But, somehow, the very core of my being has become sadness. I go along fine, but then a movie, or a song, or the sight of anything that reminds me of her just unravels me. A very specific loneliness has murdered my hope for peace.

I grieve for Judith. I grieve for the person that I was with her. I grieve for that family that will never be the same. I grieve for the faith that I once had. I grieve for a love that is broken. I grieve for hope. I grieve for peace. I grieve for myself.

My logical self says that this must be endured. That "someday" it will be alright. But my logical self is easily lost in the swirling migraine that is my grief. I endure, but I am dissolving...

Judith

Here's a tribute video that I put together for the 7 month anniversary of Judith's passing.

Some Pholoshop Work