Kingdom of Sorrow

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare


There is nothing comparable to the endurance of a woman. In military life she would tire out an army of men, either in camp or on the march.
- Mark Twain

How does one do this? I have read and I have listened and I am as lost as ever. I didn't know it was possible to be this sad.

I have known depression. I spent years with the threat of loosing Judith hanging over my head. I have known sorrow for my children having to see their mother in such pain. And I know that she is without pain now.

But, somehow, the very core of my being has become sadness. I go along fine, but then a movie, or a song, or the sight of anything that reminds me of her just unravels me. A very specific loneliness has murdered my hope for peace.

I grieve for Judith. I grieve for the person that I was with her. I grieve for that family that will never be the same. I grieve for the faith that I once had. I grieve for a love that is broken. I grieve for hope. I grieve for peace. I grieve for myself.

My logical self says that this must be endured. That "someday" it will be alright. But my logical self is easily lost in the swirling migraine that is my grief. I endure, but I am dissolving...